there's paper in my vomit.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize