Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
