Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
