we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
