My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
