Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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