life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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