you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
