4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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