She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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