my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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