I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
