OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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