someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Randomize
