and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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