do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
