Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
