There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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