I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
