Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
