I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize