I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
