No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
