Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
