there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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