My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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