i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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