I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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