Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
