I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
