The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
