I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize