I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
