Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
