you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
