Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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