is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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