I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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