M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
