some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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