you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
