wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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