Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
