I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
