i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
