my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
