I wish they made helmets for livers.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
