Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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