Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
