just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
