Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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