Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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