Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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