she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
