Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
