We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
