I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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