Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
