miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
